I haven’t been here for a while. It had again different reasons and as I am always hesitant about future steps and consistency in my personal choices, I had to remind myself that this was not what my personality was about. There was a time I had no problem in taking leaps of faith. Lots of them. I became over-analytical and although this habit came as an asset sometimes when sorting out problems was much needed in very bad situations, in my personal life it held me back and forced me into a very lonely life. I was very alert about people in 2012, or next steps, and always painted worst case scenarios in my mind that I forgot how it was to really relax and pamper myself. I had to force myself to take each day as it comes. So, this is what I mainly did the last weeks. I stepped back. My momentarily feeling of being constantly stuck had to be scanned wisely without being too dramatic about it. My projects were mired in quicksand or ran themselves. Another advantage of purely analytical planning done before and great help of those who work(ed) with me. I could leave my mind at ease for a while. So, there I was. Spinning my wheels. And when the time was right, I felt that I could be strong and reliable again. There’s a touch of coldness about the last weeks. My ridiculous sense for love was reminding me that I needed to make a few decisions if I want my (love)life to progress, and this was preoccupying me. It was not a time for levity and recklessness, but for internalizing and reflection, for thinking about all the things the future may hold. At work, a promotion was appearing on the horizon. And although I had never believed in it, things happened all alone. And for the first time in years I had the confidence to feel that the positive development of my ambitions would help me to be in control of my life again. It is November. And as always it it the time to reflect my year before it ends. This year was the year of change. Whereabouts, surroundings by people, relationships. It was full of – sometimes very painful – adjustments. It was a year full of tears and doubts and fears. A hard year on me. Things were constantly in motion and I had to think about ways to slow down without stopping the transformation. Mainly everything has changed. But also: Things – especially loved people I can count on – have remained the same or been added by new beautiful souls. And I want to thank everybody who stood by me during a time even I couldn’t recognize myself or my actions. I thank them for waiting for me to find my way when I was lost. Here I am, blessed by the people who love me and I can safely love back because I know they would never intentionally harm or hurt me. Because of them: I know who I am now, and even though I might not always know what I want, I certainly do feel what and who I need to not want to slowly, slowly be secure enough to take a leap of faith again.
such a well detailed article. thank you so much.